WAKING UP
In order to fully understand where we want to be, we need to look back and connect the dots. It personally took me over ten years to awaken from the slumber that is self-serving influence. I use those words because they best describe my former disposition. Like many other leaders I found myself making mistakes that I wasn’t conscious of. Discovering that influence and leadership are one and the same, I lived out the “cause and affect” of influence.
There were many experiences in my early years that shaped my pursuit of success. The majority of them were self–centered in nature. I thought the more I achieved and amassed, the more I would be OK in the eyes of others. The approval of others was essential.
While I was running this race, also known as the rat race, I found that I was also running from myself. This was an accident waiting to happen. You hit the wall and wonder where you are. During those periods, I always thought there must be more to life than scaling the corporate mountain. The message I heard from the corporate culture was relax and enjoy the ride. I understand now how misleading that message was. This was also a period where only my wife knew of my loneliness and pain. Like many, my wife is my best friend and has an uncanny level of intuition. I’m so thankful she didn’t give up on me. Work wasn’t the only place where my self-serving approach existed. The behaviors could also be found in my family, my church and my friendships. Self-serving leaders are never compartmentalized.
The path out of focusing on me alone began in the year 2000. I experienced hardship in my career, finances and health, including the loss of a child. It seemed as if God decided it was time for real change, and by the end of that year, I was broken. Being ready for change would’ve been an understatement. My game of pretense was over…I woke up and gradually my true self came into focus … sort of like the addict who finally realizes they have a problem. The journey was long, but eventually others truly came to matter more than my agenda. The self-serving gave way to an “others first” approach. I started to value feedback, encouragement and coaching from many whom I historically ignored. Whether it was my wife or my pastor, I started listening. When you come to the end of yourself, you begin to realize that you’re better because of the people in your life. We were never intended to walk our unique paths alone.
As you might have figured out, the journey also requires that each person face a “crucible.” Often this is an event that will define our path (very much like my year 2000 journey). Until we go into a valley, regardless of the level or intensity, we won’t see what matters most. Warren Bennis and Robert Thomas have this to say regarding the power of crucibles: “whether imposed or sought out, crucibles are places where essential questions are asked: Who am I? Who could I be? Who should I be? How should I relate to the world outside myself? These are always places of reflection, but they are typically places where one transcends narrow self-regard and reflects on the self in relation to others. They are often places where one becomes increasingly aware of his or her connectedness.”