Tag: relationships

10 Things I’ve Learned from Marriage

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It seemed like the right time (just my mood I guess) to right this post about the 10 things I've learned from marriage. This list is could be longer, but I recognize I only have you for so long.

Here we go:

  1. It goes by fast, so I value the now and the memories.
  2. Your not as smart and "together" as you think you are.
  3. When times get tough, there is no greater a friend to have.
  4. Marriage has kept me from drowning in my own blues.
  5. One person can make a difference like no one ever before.
  6. Marriage is not, nor will ever be, a 50/50 proposition. I have needed more than her 50 percent on more occasions than I care to admit.
  7. It's the hardest and most rewarding work I've ever been involved in.
  8. The art of commitment.
  9. Falling in Love can go on and on and on and…
  10. Marriage is the riskest venture I've ever undertaken. It's taught me about the reward and the loss that are inevitable in life.

Thoughts on Marriage-The Winning and the Losing

I don't know if I've ever written a post on marriage. I know I've never written about the winning and the losing side of it. With the exception of my wife, I just haven't. Sorry.

Marriage can be a powerful part of Epic Living.

I happened upon this post while on Google + last week. The writer, Kelly Flanagan, is a therapist practicing in Wheaton, Illinois. It is by far, one of the best takes on what makes for a thriving marriage. He does an excellent job of breaking things down in a way that most anyone can unwrap. I think he's onto something that many already know; a life-long relationship is essentially about serving/giving to the person you love. The greatest irony of this is found in the fact that you get so much more back from that serving/giving.

Married or not, you'll gain a lot out of his perspective. I'd love to know if you see applications beyond marriage too. 

Formed Opinion

Formed opinions happen all the time. We all walk around everyday setting things, and people, in place. You'd think we're setting the table for dinner. There is a certain level of comfort for humans when they can line things up.

The only problem is formed opinions are often flawed. Sometimes they can be fatally flawed.

When it comes to humans, we need to factor in the dynamic nature of how we're made. People are shaped by a lot more than you can know. And don't make the mistake of thinking a Facebook post is a true representation of the person's heart. Many people are fixated on being "ok." Not many are willing to be truly vulnerable. Living in an age of judgement makes vulnerability a risky proposition.

Organizations are a bit different. Their behaviors are driven almost solely by culture. For example, if the culture is dedicated to serving customers, then that behavior will reign and the formed opinion will follow. I've known more than a few leaders who found this difficult to accept. But in the end, it doesn't matter what your marketing outlets say. It's always about what you do. One last caution, as you form your opinions about organizations (people too):

One event does not make a trend.

As you pay more attention to your formed opinions, remember that humility is a key component in making sure your formed opinions are solid. It's important because when you're wrong you can admit it and when you're right you won't feel the need to prosecute. I throw this your way because we're all limited.

The End of the Rainbow

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The end of the rainbow is purported to be a really cool place. You know, the pot of gold and all that comes with it. In the U.S. this could be retirement, a relationship, the first big pay-day, or a position/title. Ironic how those things are often the objects of our desire.The problem lies in the lies of chasing down a rainbow to get to something that was intended to only be a by-product. In other words, I get a great relationship when I invest myself in the work of being in a relationship.

I know I'm not alone in feeling like time moves at a pace that only an olympic sprinter could relate to. I'm prone to the minor key, so a little sadness follows me in this reality. But I've discovered something important.

The end of the rainbow is not the point.

What matters is what happens between the beginning of the rainbow and the end. Any other approach will lead you to a disappointing place. The pot of gold is found in the in-between. And, yes, I know you've heard this before. But I'm a living example of the truth found in a somewhat worn idea.

Here's a warning I hope you'll take seriously. Remember what I said above about the lies? Many miss this on multiple fronts, but if you're not careful you'll blindly follow the dogma and lies of a world that's lost its mind. Don't let them be an investor in your own personal prison.

Getting Your Life Back

When I was twelve I knew I wanted to be this:

 

As time has moved on, I still am, and do desire to continue to be, an artist.  The level and notice that comes my way always changes.  Absolutely fine with me.  I am an artist creating daily with words, with ideas with love, and with my life. 

Many years ago I allowed the Matrix (corporations, people, religion, and more) to convince me that I was not an artist or someone wired with a lot of imagination and creativity.  It whispered ever so softly that I needed put the "art" away and remember the importance of security. It almost worked, but I wanted and got my life back.  I write the following with great emphasis:

    Get your life back!  Whatever you must do, get your life back.

Now, here are the lessons I've learned in this motion picture:

  1. Go slow and start small.  One more time, go slow and start small.
  2. Most people are not going to like you beyond the surface.  Your life is not about the surface, so get on with it.
  3. Ask for help.
  4. Know what's most important to you, not to anyone else, as be commited to those things.
  5. You can't make people happy or ok, even those you love deeply.

The Pain of Total Life Management

Pain

In our work with individuals and businesses in the realm of total life management, we sometimes encounter the roadblock of pain.  I’m referring to the type of pain associated with issue avoidance.  This post from Runner’s World is very compelling illustrating what I mean.  You can apply it to running, a fractured relationship or a workplace experience it doesn’t matter.

The gift of life does not reward us when we avoid issues in our 8 spheres of living.  They only stand to either be a slow decay or an Achilles Heel in our time allotted here.  Interestingly enough, my daughter asked me this morning whether I was sad about my older brother.  My brother is a heroin addict and has been a substance abuser for the majority of his adult life.  I explained to her that on a basic human condition level, I am sad for him.  But I made a decision some years ago to not allow the crippling sadness (the type where my life was being sucked away and damage was being done to others I care about) be a part of my life.  I did the crippling sadness routine for many years and it didn’t work.

We often look for things to cover up what we would like to avoid.  Before my eyes were opened, I used my career and the success that came with it.  By no stretch of the imagination do I have a problem or stress-free life, The breakthrough is found in that I don’t avoid the issues that come, or the pain associated with them.

So are you willing to join me in facing the pain?

 

 

No Promises

No Promises 

We would have been better off hearing early on in our adult lives that there are no promises given in life and work.  Some of you might be thinking I deserve the "duh" award about now.  But isn't it ironic how often we hear and throw around promises.  Often this happens without any thought at all.

What if we heard something like the following:

    "No promises here, just the opportunity to get up after falling down and to try again."

Maybe not the cure-all, but certainly clear and based in reality. 

In America, we're so obsessed with success and winning that we tend to run from the "loss" like the plague.  What exactly do we learn when we succeed?  Much I hope, but if we're honest we just want it to keep going.  In our time many of those successes are hollow and unfulfilling.  So sad, since a fulfilling win can only come after the bitter taste of failure.  

We can't change the past (yesterday), so let's get on with it.  You should not expect that every road leads to the dreams in your head.  Follow your gut and be prepared to course correct.  So many give up because they wanted life just as they desired.  They fail to realize that it takes a lot of pain and disappointment to birth a dream come true.  Eyes wide open here, ladies and gentlemen.

The following is a list of promises I've been willing to put all of myself into.  But first understand, I made a decision some time ago that I would allow myself to be vulnerable and accept the risk inherent.  Vulnerability and risk come together to open the door to happiness.  Even with that, I've been hurt in all of these areas.

  1. The type of promises given to me by God.
  2. The marriage promise from my wife.
  3. The promises from friends like Rick, Marc, Terry, Steve, Jim, and Robert.
  4. Generally promises that come from people I meet for the first time, but I always manage those with verification in-mind.
  5. The type that come from my children.  Verification is important here, but more importantly, they need to understand that I believe in them.

The Process, Not the Event

The road of life includes processes and events.  Many prefer the events, and that's a problem.  Events are not the enemy, it's the over-attraction to them that creates the pitfall.  But it's understandable why we prefer that moment of elation, since events gives us immediate stimulation that we want and maybe crave.  Nobody talks a lot about processes because it tends to require faith, imagination and vision.  Did I mention that it can feel like drudgery.

One of the my best experiences in the process and event arena has been my marriage.  It began with a big event, the ceremony.  Great joy and happiness.  The future seemed unbelievably bright.  And then she had to face the reality of living with me(humor is important here).  That event was 20 years-plus ago.  We're still happily together because of the process, and not the event.  Ironic how the thing that feels like work produces the happiness we so desperately desire.

Certainly there is no substitute for knowing what you're doing is a fit.  Be it in your career, your money, your learning, etc.  But once that's been settled, you've got to embrace the process. 

  

Matching Your Values to Your Words

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Do your words match your values?  Not to perfection, but do you live out what you tell the world?  Is your story verifiable?  This is important because if they don't match-up, your wasting time.  And time is a gift.

I had a conversation with my wife last night about a couple we know that is heading for trouble.  The irony is they know it.  But being unsure of what to do, they just keep going.  The husband is very successful in the career and money sphere.  And his pursuits are steering the ship.  I consider him deluded.  If you asked him he'd say he values his family.  Huh?

Now the deal is this.  Everybody has been given the management role in regards to their life.  So I'm not in charge-except in my own life.  That said, I don't think the couple I mentioned desires the negative outcomes of their actions.  I see them like so many others when it comes to their circumstances.  Many people feel like they have no options.  But We do have options, and a lot of them.  But are we willing to do the work that will leave us vulnerable, in pain or afraid? 

This is the Rubicon.

I know it's a harder road to be focused on your words matching up to your values, but think about the following:

  1. Who or what deceived us into believing that relationships, missions, careers, etc., are supposed to be a breeze to deal with?
  2. The life you want will never be handed to you in a box wrapped in red ribbon.
  3. Maybe others are watching you for the inspiration to go forward.
  4. As hard as it may be to hear, often we spend way too much time trying capture the butterfly of happiness.  Maybe we should be still for a second or two and let the butterfly come to us.
  5. Our values are who we are.  This is true even if you try to deny it.
  6. Voices from the past are a part of history, leave them there.  Stop trying to resurrect what is, and should be, dead.
  7. You are responsible-fully.

The Danger Of Professional Arrogance

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First, you could change the title of this post to "The Danger of Personal Arrogance" if you so desired.

When you have a enough time in your rear-view mirror you can soberly look at your past.  If you're like me, you have had enough experiences to have a track record/history.  You can see what you missed as well as what went wonderfully when you look back-don't stay there too long though.

I was warned at an early stage in my career to avoid arrogance.  It was a poison many advised.  I did a decent job of heeding their advice.  But like any human being, I took my share of poison pills.  Some people and organizations were hurt by my arrogance.  Some applauded with a knife ready to pierce my back, while others figured I'd find my way back home.  And yes, my arrogance was fueled by my power and success.

Now that I've set the context, I'd like you to consider the following:

  1. This is big!  Arrogance robs you of the opportunities to find the things/people that can  help you figure out some of your problems and mystries.
  2. Arrogance lives on the same street as power and success.  Doesn't mean that power and success are bad, just means you shouldn't invite them all over for a Super Bowl party.
  3. When arrogance starts to grow in you, your learning starts to atrophy/die.  This can be reversed but like most things, the longer you wait the tougher it is to change.
  4. Arrogance assures loneliness.  Even if hundred's of people smile and cater to you, the reality is they really don't care.
  5. The chances of living an Epic Life dwindles significantly.  When arrogance takes hold, you'll find yourself too concerned about your "press" and not your legacy.
  6. Arrogance convinces you that you have to be "better than" in order to be safe and protected.  In short, a lie.