This post came over to me as a gift last week. It's from Ed Batista, a writer and coach, out of the San Francisco area. He does some marvelous work with graduate students at Stanford and beyond. Needless to say, I count him as a source of inspiration and fellow pilgrim.
The gift of the post was beautiful and it reminded me of some things easily missed. I just couldn't help thinking about Ed's view and impression of my writing. His words encouraged me that my voice, my notes, are coming out. It wasn't as if I doubted this, it's just great to know that it is connecting as I desire. Ed's comments also wrap around some transitions I'm going through relating to Epic Living, entrepreneur pursuits and life (of course). More to come on this front in the coming weeks.
I believe my Father (I'm trying to get out of just calling him God) speaks and works through connecting the dots. You know, one conversation a month ago that connects to an email seemingly out of the blue. It's a great way of communicating.
So there is my wife, Eileen, Marc, and Ed over a 45-day period exhorting, suggesting, confirming.
What an appropriate verse to the theme of yesterday's post. Steering by the stars becomes important when traditional navigation becomes obsolete. This skill is needed when times are tough, but even more important when things are going well (we tend to think we don't need any help when the road is silk paved). Certainly, it is tough when darkness descends on a career or love. The choice is ours as to how we will respond. I for one, have not always responded well.
I had a vivid dream once where I was asked to come on a journey at night. The offer included a flashlight, so I felt secure in the knowledge that I would have enough light. I took the offer and proceeded forward. After some time, the flashlight began to dim and I realized the batteries were dying. Realizing that I had come to far to turn back, I looked up and saw millions of stars. I heard a voice that said, "now you will learn your direction by the stars." I woke up…
That dream came to me just when I needed it. It helped me understand the importance of learning and adapting. You might be skeptical, you might even be laughing. But the question remains; how do we steer when the light has ceased?
Here are a some tips:
If things are going well now, start learning about the principles of navigating through tough times. It will be painful at first because you may think the time would be better served enjoying the fruits. See the financial services industry about the foolishness of enjoying the fruits.
Don't go it alone. Hire a coach, find a mentor or seek out others who have experience (real experience) under their belt.
If you're in the darkness right now, then don't give up. But be sure you're on the right terrain. In other words, if you were never excited about being a social media guru, don't keep convincing yourself that you need to stay one.
If you don't expect your path to be easy, then you will learn what you need to learn.
If you're a subscriber to my blog, you may already know we're in the process of releasing a new, updated Epic Living website. If you were not aware, I would love your feedback.
"Been thinking, more than writing these days. Hoping to get back here very soon. Many events of 2009 have conspired in a way not imagined."
-Epic Living Blog, Spring of 2009
The above quote came from me almost 4 years ago. Though I'm now in a different place, the words began pushing me to reflection.
Do I have a handle around my thoughts?
As we've entered into 2013, I've given a lot of myself to why thoughts matter. The good ones, the bad ones and how impactful the sum of the two have been on me, and others. This may seem like an obvious because we do it all the time…thinking that is. But what if the majority of our thoughts are made up of the following:
It is clear in my own walk that some of those examples fit my past thought patterns. I say past, because part of my growth plan for 2013 is to manage my thoughts with great energy and focus. I've lost too much time (literally) letting bad thinking rule the day.
One great example for me is the area of regrets. There was a time when I daily struggled with regrets over my choice of entrepreneurism. The fact that I began a new life in the area of entrepreneurism when I was at my pinnacle in the corporate world, the fact that I had 2 kids under 10 years of age, the fact that I had a big mortgage, provided fertile land for regrets. This was especially true since I felt my kids were growing up so fast and I was still trying to figure out who I was supposed to be. Ever heard this one in your head?
"I should have spent more time with her just being, but now she's a teen-ager and I wonder if she sees me as father that is there for her."
I could go on with more, but the point is time is precious and we don't have time (REALLY) to spend reviewing all the crap that comes and goes through our heads. It's a deception to believe every thought is worthwhile and a key to who you are. Most of the thoughts listed above are designed to bring you down, suck away your time and leave you standing gripped. What if you decided to let the negatives to just roll on by. Try it, you'll see that your world won't come to an end.
I am living these steps to manage my thoughts better:
Praying diligently to hold my thoughts captive. St. Paul has much to say on this topic
Practicing mindfulness. Andy Puddicombe has some great insights on this here
Staying away from those who see things as a half-empty affair
A couple of months ago I met a lady named Giselle. It was a chance meeting. She was the physical therapist assigned to my mom who is embarking on the journey of knee replacement surgery. As I sat with my mom during the interview, Giselle asked about my dad who passed away in January of 2009. This information must have been in my mom's records. She seemed genuinely concerned as she reviewed my mom's history. After a brief pause she explained that she had lost her mom three weeks prior.
A chapter opened.
Giselle spoke much of her mom. She mentioned her mom's career achievements, how much her father loved her and how sudden she passed after being diagnosed with cancer. I just listened, as I remembered my own words after my dad's passing. I felt like I was watching a movie of my own life.
Giselle then surprised me by asking about my own journey through grief. I explained to her that my dad's passing looked nothing like what I thought it would have. I was one of those people who believed they could prepare for the fateful day. Consequently, I experienced what the Valley really looked like from my own experience. A cruel teacher at times.
I went on to tell her that after his funeral, it felt like the earth (at least where my dad existed inside of me) was scorched. As if some great fire had consumed all that I knew. But with all of that, a shoot of green appeared from that charred ground. I wasn't paying much attention and I was consumed by who was lost. I'm sure she understood the process of looking for the face and presence of someone you love. I told her that in that place, over time, gave way to what began looking more and more like a flower. As more time passed the flower bloomed into something like I'd never seen before. The most beautiful flower where Charles once was.
I told Giselle that my little story was my best attempt at describing my process of dealing with my dad's passing. Funny thing was, I'd never told anyone that story until that day and time. Amazing how life unfolds. Amazing.
The following are 5 things I haven't forgotten along the way of my travels:
It will be my life that will be measured in eternity. God won't be spending 60% of his time with me asking about my career and money choices. It'll be a part of the conversation, just not as big as it often can be in this world.
Relationships are hard work. In America, we have this obsession with ease and pleasure. In some areas this is totally appropriate. In a relationship (you fill in the blank) ease and pleasure come as a result of the hard work. It's hard work because anything worth your time should require something big from you.
I can't fix or save anybody. All I can do is offer with encouragement and kindness. The choice to do something is totally out of my control. After watching many of my family members experience the affects of alcohol and drug abuse, I know this well.
Change is a part of life and you'd better be prepared to face ridicule for embracing it. I never had as much peace as when I was in the box that many had grown comfortable with. Some of this is people getting used to change, but the remainder is from the "crowd." I now understand that the two are intertwined.
Note: I'm conscious of all the talk around guns in the U.S. As you will see, guns in this post are used as a metaphor.
Learning how to get shot has been one of the best things to ever happen to me.
I was chatting with an entrepreneur a couple of weeks ago and we got into the subject of failed ventures/experiments. I told him that after a few failures, you begin to learn how to try again with better information and understanding. We agreed and smiled as if we both were remembering the "one" that should have gotten traction.
He went onto tell me about a conference he attended, where he met a man in the training business. He was no ordinary trainer. This man trained soldiers in multiple areas, but the one that leaped out at me was the area of combat. Specifically, teaching soldiers how to get shot. Teaching them how to get shot? How about not getting shot?
Here's the deal. This entrepreneur was a part of the British Special Forces and had been shot multiple times in the line of duty. Where things happen lightening quick, you can understand the importance of this art. He retold the story of how he was wounded, but the very interesting part was around how humans respond to trauma.
When harmed we go into shock.
Going into shock hinders our ability to heal and keep going. This entrepreneur teaches soldiers how to keep going if for some reason they're shot. The mission doesn't end because of a wound. The mission continues and should. See the connection? Like soldiers, we need to keep going.
As our conversation came to a close I reviewed my own history and I thought about how many times I've been "shot." Many times, as many of you know. I felt good. Not because I enjoyed the failed experiment or that wanted to see if I could take the hit, but because these events have shaped me and prepared me for what's to come-good and bad. This is truly when life is like Hebrew (have to read it backwards to understand it).
As I noted earlier in the week, this post is coming to shed some light on a long journey. The journey about the process of remaking a man. That man would be me.
It's been quite a process, this remaking dance.
I was out running a few mornings back and was listening to the Rush song Subdivisions. The following lyric held my mind as body continued to move:
Some will sell their dreams for small desires Or lose the race to rats Get caught in ticking traps And start to dream of somewhere To relax their restless flight Somewhere out of a memory of lighted streets on quiet nights…
I'm still running and Coldplay's Viva La Vida appears on my iPod. This verse freezes me once again:
One minute I held the key Next the walls were closed on me And I discovered that my castles stand Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand
As I was heading home I remembered a former boss. I hated him. He wasn't very kind, would embarrass me publicly and easily looked passed me. But he kept me because I made him and the organization money. It was a bad situation to be knee-deep in. But I was, with things moving fast and no time to step back.
In 2005, a coup was set in motion and I was a willing agent. Made friends with the devil for short time and he got what was coming. I rejoiced at his removal. Never thought about his struggle or his family or his grappling with a job search. I thought justice had been served.
What the hell was I doing?
Close to a year later I was on the receiving end of what my former boss got. Just rewards you might think. Maybe so. In the end, my life would never be the same again.
And here's why:
I've chronicled in this blog a lot about my journey. Sometimes in bits and pieces, sometimes in focused light. Maybe I've made this clear, but I needed to be remade. I needed a new operating system.
God gave me an operating system when I was much younger and I chose to add and take away. I guess I felt the pressure to do it my way. You know, feeling like God could use some help. A little more salt, please. The reality was rooted in my deep fear that in the end I was ultimately on my own. This was a lie I felt was true, due to the circumstances (family, society, career, business, whatever).
Ironically, I moved to a space where God could find me vulnerable with no exits. It was not my plan to do this I fully believe that my story is rooted in God wanting to catch me and transform me. That reality is bigger than entrepreneurship, writing a book, material success, and all the other bragging rights we often crave. What happened to me is not unlike what many a man and women have faced at one time or another.
Some have asked, and wondered without speaking, why my last seven years has been such a struggle, a desert. I wish I had an answer that could wrap everything in a box with red ribbon. My story is not that story. My story resembles people like Nebuchadnezzar, Paul, or maybe you. Men and women who have to go through a remake that is humbling, painful, frustrating, confusing, and in the end beautiful.
So I don't know if I will make money online, be a top 10 blog, write a best-selling book, or create the next "killer app." I am certain I becoming more of a man who's working on becoming what God intended. The other has its place. One thing is clear to me though, I am dancing with my Epic life instead of looking out there and wondering what it feels like.
The book is
ripe with practical ideas, could you unwrap the concept of "their
there" and why it's important in the arena of influence?
MG: "Your here" is your agenda and in this distrustful world everyone
expects people to have one and so everyone either has their guard up or is
primed to put their guard up at the first sign of you trying to foist your
agenda on them.
JU: Focusing and remaining focused on "their there" or where the
other person is coming from and helping them to see and get to where they want
to go and way beyond that, where they could go is one of the keys to real
influence. In fact, the most influential people from our lives were influential
because they saw a potential in us that we couldn't see.
We here in
the U.S. live in a very self-focused culture. What are some ways to transcend
this state? MG: Think of someone and what they did who stood up for you when you couldn't
and/or stood by you in a crisis and refused to let you fail and/or stood up to
you in private and pushed you to do something you didn't think you could or
stopped you from doing something foolish that would have hurt you or your
reputation.
JU: Good point Mark. What was that
person's effect on you? Probably amazing.
What would be the best way to honor them? Probably by doing onto others
what they did onto you. What would be
the effect on people around you? Probably the same as that special person's
effect was on you… huge. Plus you might even like yourself or be proud of
yourself more.
What will the
solo/individual contributor find most practical in the book? JU: The solo/individual will find a 4 step way to truly win friends and influence
everyone, that works 100 % of the time if you apply it.
How does
listening help our efforts to influence? JU: Ask yourself, "When was the last time I felt someone: got my situation
(I mean really got my situation); got me in my situation (my fears, dread,
dreams and possibilities) and got not just where I wanted to be, but where I
could be that would be profitable, successful, meaningful and fulfilling.
" We're guessing, "Doesn't happen to often." That is the power of listening to influence
someone.
Could someone
apply the concepts found in the book to their personal lives? MG: In a word… absolutely. Just think
of the people who helped you become the best you could be and who will be among
the top handful of people you are most grateful to at the end of your
life. What if you became that to the
people in your personal life? Imagine the possibilities.
About The Authors MARK GOULSTON, M.D., is a business psychiatrist,
consultant, Chairman and Cofounder of Heartfelt Leadership, and the author
of the bestselling Just Listen and Get Out Of Your Own Way. He also
writes a Tribune syndicated career column; blogs for Fast Company, Business
Insider, Huffington Post, and Psychology Today; and is featured frequently in
major media, including the Wall Street Journal, Harvard Business Review,
Fortune, Newsweek, CNN, NPR, and Fox News. He lives in Los Angeles. JOHN
ULLMEN, Ph.D., is an acclaimed executive coach whose clients include dozens of
leading international firms. He oversees MotivationRules.com, conducts
popular feedback-based seminars on influence in organizations, and teaches at
the UCLA Anderson School of Management. He lives in Los Angeles.
